


The first appointment

by Peanutsfan1



Series: The Best Bakery series [2]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Best Bakery spinoff, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Oneshot, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:48:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29493087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peanutsfan1/pseuds/Peanutsfan1
Summary: After the events that happened with the organisation, Lukas and Mathias try adjust to a new, more normal life. However, that means dealing with two major things: going to therapy to try heal the scars the organisation left on them, and the fact that Lukas is now very much unemployed.(Happens in between the events of chapter 10 in ‘The Best Bakery In The City’, this one-shot is something I felt I needed to address after all these two have been through)
Relationships: Denmark/Norway (Hetalia), Norway & Belarus
Series: The Best Bakery series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2166162
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	The first appointment

Lukas

It started with a simple agreement. I agreed, Mathias agreed. We both needed this, though he tries to pretend that’s he’s coming along for moral support, not because he needs it too.

The agreement? That I cannot go to therapy alone.

I just can’t reveal that many things about myself, the things I’ve been through to a complete and utter stranger. If I can just sit there, hold my fiancé’s hand, maybe squeeze it a little, and see his smile, then I’ll feel more comfortable, more safe. I don’t really know how to describe it, but the term Mathias says as a pretence works. Moral support.

I need him, he needs me. It was settled.

Well, until I just had to let my pride get in the way.

“Are you sure?” He asks, his voice soft through the phone but full of worry and concern at the same time, “Look, I’m sorry I have to work late, but we could cancel. You don’t have to go by yourself, Lu.” Turns out some pretty important information sprung up about the case Mathias is working on so he’s staying later, meaning he won’t be there for the first therapy appointment.

“I’ll be fine, Mads, I can handle this. Go catch this criminal and I’ll see you back at home.”

“Ok…” He says, not quite convinced, “As long as you’ll be fine.”

I laugh, “I just said that, dumbass. I can do this. I love you, Mathias. Bye!”

He mutters a small “I love you too” tentatively and the call ends. Taking a deep breath, I walk out the door, heading to the therapist’s office. Alone.

It’s when I’m sitting on a chair alone in the waiting room that the realisation hits me, smashing through me like a slap to the face. I take a shaky breath as my heart rate speeds up, thumping against my chest as if it wants to break free. The first shaky breath is followed by another and another and another as my heart continues to bang inside of me. I watch as my chest climbs up and down quickly, one shaky breath, then another, then another, then another, an endless cycle of pain, torment, and torture.

Why did I think this was a good idea? Why did I think I’d be able to manage without Mathias? To actually talk to someone about every single bad thing that’s happened in my life? About my deepest thoughts and feelings? To what? A mere stranger? And not even the man I love, the guy I depend on for emotional support, to squeeze my hand, send me a reassuring smile, will be there? Just me and this stranger, a stranger who doesn’t know a thing about me? Who I don’t know a thing about?

I’m supposed to open up about these things? Without Mathias there?

Why did I do this to myself? Why do I always do this to myself, letting my pride stop me from admitting what’s wrong? Why the absolute fuck am I like this? And what the hell am I supposed to do?

I can’t do this. No matter how much I try convince myself, no matter what, I cannot do this. I cannot go in that room and speak to a complete and utter stranger about my deepest feelings. I can’t.

“Lukas Bondevik?” The shaky breaths increase as I turn to face a woman, one who’s just walked out of her office. It’s time. Fuck. My eyes widen as my heart begins to properly pound, banging its fists on my chest. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I cannot do this.

I-

I can’t do this. I need Mathias.

She frowns in concern, and I think asks if I’m ok. You’re a qualified person miss, do I look like I’m fucking ok? No. This was a mistake. This was a mistake. And the sentence keeps revolving around my head as the tears start to fall, lip trembling. I can’t do this. This was a mistake. I can’t do this.

This was a complete mistake. I need Mathias. I need him more than anything.

The woman keeps asking if I’m ok and the overwhelming urge to get the fuck out of there is finally successful as I stand up, muttering a quick “I can’t do this” before running out the door and just letting my legs take me anywhere. Anywhere that’s not here.

And so I run. And I keep running, chest heaving, eyes streaming, going anywhere that’s not there.

Until I stop running, leaning against the wall by a small corner shop before collapsing in a ball, allowing myself to sob my heart out.

I’m so so sorry Mathias. I couldn’t do it. I’m so sorry I lied. I can’t do this. I couldn’t do it. I’m going to be broken for the rest of my life and I don’t know why the hell you put up with me, why you love someone as broken as me. All I’m going to do is cause you pain and stress throughout the rest of your life. I don’t understand why you want to marry me.

“Lukas?” I hear, and suddenly someone’s crouching beside me, their hand falling onto my arm. Dragging my face from my hands, I look up at the person, rubbing some tears away and sniffling. Natalya.

“Hey,” She whispers softly, “What’s wrong?” I can’t handle it anymore and wrap arms around her, sobbing into her shoulder. She pauses for a second, not quite sure how to react, before pulling me closer and stroking my hair. “Hey, hey- what’s wrong? What happened?”

I take a minute to compose myself and pull away slightly, looking at her bleary-eyed, “I couldn’t do it, Nat. I- I told him I’d be fine to do it by myself but I- I couldn’t do it- why- why does he love me, Nat? I’m so so broken and I don’t quite understand- why did you love me? Why does he? I- I just don’t-”

She pulls me up so that we’re standing, brushing my hair out of my face before brushing tears out of my eyes with her thumb, “He loves you because you are kind. He loves you because when you bake you get the biggest, sweetest grin on your face and you are adorable when you get flour all over you. He loves you because when he hugs you he feels complete. He loves you because he would be lost without you, especially when he was undercover. I know I would be lost without you too.”

“He loves you despite the fact that you’re broken. Because news flash, dumbass, he’s broken too. You may not be able to see it clearly and he may not be as bad as you, but that man is broken too. He gets it. He understands you just as much as I do, and he’s known you for a lot less time than I have. Mathias Køhler is broken too and he understands that things won’t be easy, but you’re going to get over the hard part together, ok? He knows exactly how you’re feeling because he has his own trauma. And he understands. And he loves you regardless, just as you love him regardless.”

“You’re going to get through this together, ok? Because guess what, that man loves you so goddamn much and I know you love him just as much. You rely on each other and I’ve never seen two people more in love than you two. It’s almost sickening to watch at times how in love you are,” She laughs, “You two are the best couple I know because you understand each other. And you know what hating each other at first did?”

“It made you accept the other person’s biggest flaws first before falling in love with them. And that’s why your relationship is so special. Because you already know each other’s flaws and don’t have the surprise other people do when they discover them. And you love each other despite those flaws.” She wipes more of my tears away before smiling. “He’s so much a better fit for you than I would be, and I’d still say that even if you did like women.” I flash a small smile at her and she smiles in response, a sad, reassuring smile.

“Thanks, Nat. I’m feeling a little bit better now.” The strong realisation that Mathias is going through similar things to me has helped a lot. It sucks that that’s happened to him, but it means we can work through this together. I won’t be alone, and neither will he. 

“Come on, let’s get you to my place. I can get you something warm to drink and we can discuss things further.” I smile once more at my best friend and nod.

*

As she places down the mug of hot chocolate in front of me (too late in the day for serious caffeine so sadly no coffee), Natalya gives me another reassuring smile. I have since stopped crying, my heart rate had returned back to normal and my breaths are no longer shaky. It’s a nice feeling not having a breakdown anymore.

“So… what happened that resulted in you crying in a ball by the corner shop?” Her tone is soft, calming, understanding but also filled with concern.

I take a deep breath, “Today… today was our first therapy appointment. Mathias had to work late, and I told him I’d be fine to go by myself.”

“You told him what? Lukas-” She sighs, exasperated, running her hand through her hair, “I guess I can’t tell you that you can’t handle it because obviously it’s too late for that. From my observation I’d say you couldn’t handle it, am I correct?” With a slightly shameful smile, I nod reluctantly.

“Lukas, you could have just rescheduled. I’m sure the therapist would understand. Just… next time be honest with Mathias. He’ll appreciate that and the two of you can find a solution. The main problem is you need him there right?” She sets down her mug and I catch a glimpse of her painted nails (a nice glittery silver this time).

I nod once more. Natalya sighs again, reaching over to place her hand on mine, “So just tell him next time, dumbass. Don’t try to pretend to yourself that you’ll be fine, don’t listen to whatever pride is saying to tell him such things because you’ll only end up worse than if you had just told him you can’t handle it alone.”

“And remember: he needs this too. He might not say so, but he does and if you just reschedule then it’ll benefit the both of you. You won’t be alone anymore, and he’ll be getting the session he needs too.” I guess in all Mathias’ statement that he’s only ‘along for moral support’ I forgot he needed this too. In my defense, he said the moral support thing many many times, so much that I think it half convinced the both of us. Doesn’t mean I feel any less terrible though. I should have remembered. Fuck.

My phone buzzes beside me and I pick it up, noting the ‘Dumbass <3’ under ‘incoming call’. Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God. Fuck. What do I do? Nat glances over and hold out her hand, beckoning for me to hand it over, “Let me handle it, because you are a bundle of nerves right now and this probably needs to be a face-to-face conversation.” So I hand it over, allowing her to swipe the ‘accept call’ button, an uneasy feeling in my stomach. 

“Hi Mathias, it’s Natalya.” She begins, flashing me a small smile of reassurance, “Yeah, Lukas is at my apartment right now. He’s a lot calmer than he was earlier.” She pauses, listening to what he says, inspecting her nails. “Yeah, he had a bit of a freak out when he arrived there I think. I found him and he’s doing better now.” She hums a few times before adding, “Ok, we’ll see you then.”

Silence falls between us when she hangs up until she breathes, “He’s handing the case over to a colleague to handle – they were working on the case together – and he’s coming right over. You ok?” And I nod, not telling a lie to myself this time.

Something about finally admitting things and having a cry over it makes you feel better.

Natalya and I talk about anything other than that whilst we wait for my fiancé to arrive. As soon as I hear his raps on the door I take a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm the butterflies in my stomach. Mathias rushes in immediately after Natalya opens the door and pulls me into a big hug. My eyes widen, not quite anticipating this reaction.

He pulls back slightly so our eyes can meet, “Hey, how are you holding up?”

“Better now. I’m sorry, Mads. I-”

Placing his forehead against mine, he lets out a reassured sigh, “I’m glad you’re ok. And it’s alright, I understand. Next time… next time tell me, ok? We need to do this together, yeah?” I hum in agreement as he strokes his hand gently across my back. He smiles and presses his lips to mine, “I love you, Lukas. We can do this. Together.”

“Love you too, Mathias.”

When we arrive back at Mathias’ apartment, we talk about it more in depth, side by side on the sofa with my fiancé’s fingers laced through mine. I try hold it together, he does too but ultimately we end up emotional, allowing ourselves to let the tears fall. It’s a hard conversation to have but I’m glad we’re having it, letting ourselves be vulnerable and reveal how we really feel. Tearful hugs are exchanged constantly and eventually we just stay like it, placing soft kisses to the other person’s lips. We’ve tried pretending things are ok for far too long, admitting they aren’t is a freeing experience and I feel even closer to Mathias than I did before.

“So,” He breathes, a whisper, “Shall we book our proper first appointment for next week? I know I’m scared, and you are too, but this is good for us. Think of it like the conversation we just had but with another person there who is going to help us work on not feeling like that.” Pressing another kiss to his unshaven cheek, I nod, watching as he types a reminder into his phone to book our first appointment tomorrow. Afterwards we both clean up a little bit, splashing water on our faces.

“God, I really need to shave,” Mathias laughs, inspecting his facial hair in the mirror, “Like, I don’t think this suits me.”

“I quite like it, but the choice is yours, really.”

He elbows me jokingly, “Ohhhh, so you like guys with beards, do you?”

Locking eyes with him, I add, “Says the guy who I definitely know has a huge thing for punk guys, yeah, I know about that. Exposed, Køhler.”

He places his lips on mine before spreading his hands in surrender, “Guilty as charged.” We stand still for a moment and I grab a towel to dry my face on. Mathias sighs, “Um, there’s one thing we didn’t discuss earlier. What are we going to do about the fact that I’m the only one who has a job out of the three people living here? I know it’s only been a week or so since things, but we should still plan ahead for the future. I don’t exactly make tons of money.”

Oh fuck. Yeah. Completely forgot for a second that I am now unemployed, and Emil doesn’t have a job. Ok. Think Lukas. “Yeah. I can try apply to some places around here but I’m not entirely sure one, what I would apply for and two, if anyone would even want to hire me. I mean, I don’t think people will hire someone who was a member of a criminal organisation for seventeen years.”

He hums in agreement, scratching the side of his head, “Yeah, it’ll probably be really hard for you to get hired which sucks. But it wouldn’t hurt to try, you know? And in terms of what to apply for or do, what are you interested in? Like, what do you want to do? What are you good at?”

It just sucks. Along with having to deal with all my mental health issues I have to worry about jobs on top of that. Don’t get me wrong, I hated the organisation but at least I was used to it. Everything has changed and I’m in a completely new environment that I’m not used to. The only things that have stayed the same are Mathias, Natalya, and Emil. Everything else is different and I’m not quite sure how to adjust.

I miss filing things. I miss my old bedroom, with all my things (the entire area is still being invested, check whether anything’s been missed so I don’t have most of my things). I miss getting up early most mornings to bake, the smell of the baked goods, the silence whilst I was baking. I miss those little parts of my day.

“Baking. I loved baking,” I whisper, heart filled with longing. Mathias blinks at me for a few minutes before pulling me into a hug.

“Then bake. You could try apply for a bakery if they are hiring _or_ you could even start your own – if you want to that is.” My own? With my own recipes and ideas? That- that sounds fantastic. “Hey, you’re smiling! So you like that idea?” He grins and I nod. My own bakery. “Obviously, you’d have to find a job somewhere else in the meantime, but it’s a start! Something to work towards! We can write down what we’re going to need to start a business, and what baked goods you’re going to have, etc!” My smile becomes wider. My own bakery, something to work towards. This might just work. It’ll take a while to achieve, but it might just work.

*

I’m in the kitchen when there’s a knock on the door and I hear Mathias go to answer it. Peeking my head round the corner, I spot a tall blonde-haired woman who my fiancé then tackles into a hug. Ok…? 

“Oh my God, it’s been so long!” He pulls away with a huge grin, “I’ve missed you so much, Aunt Sofia!” Huh, so she’s his aunt. Cool. Didn’t know he had an aunt, but it’s cool.

“I’ve missed you too, Mads. Thought I’d come by to check up and say well done for that case of yours!” Looking her up and down I note that her hair comes down to her waist in a long plait, freckles dusting her cheeks along with the signature Køhler grin. “Thanks to you, there’s one less mob family in New York!”

“I don’t think I should take full credit,” He laughs, “I had help and I probably would have died without it.” A warm feeling fills my chest and I smile softly in his direction, not one that he would notice since he’s looking at his aunt, but it’s a necessary smile.

“Oh, right! That Bondevik kid… what was his name? Lukas?” A nod right before she nudges him slightly with her elbow, “Kinda cute isn’t he? And your type at that- I know for a fact that you have a thing for punks.” Oh my God. She does not realise that I’m standing right here. And that we’re engaged. Keep it together, Lukas. Don’t burst out laughing.

And just like that, Mathias’ face instantly turns a deep shade of red, even spreading to his ears, “Oh- um- well- I, uh- Lukas is, um, just over-” My fiancé points bashfully in my direction, still stammering. His aunt’s eyes widen in surprise upon seeing me and I wave awkwardly, still trying to hold in my laughter.

“Oh, um, hello! Sorry I didn’t realise you were standing right there- this- this is awkward,” She blurts, avoiding eye contact.

Finally the laughter spills out, appearing to startle her as she jolts, “Not- not really. Actually Mathias and I are, well, we’re engaged. Have been for over a week or so.” There we go. I’ve told her. It’s actually really nice to laugh after the day I’ve had. They do say laughter is the best medicine (although that phrase is obviously very incorrect). 

“Oh! Well, congratulations! That’s wonderful!” She smiles, pulling Mathias in for a hug and then waving her hand at me to join them. I do.

Afterwards the conversation continues, darting around all sorts of things (nothing much on the organisation, I think Aunt Sofia understands it’s a sensitive topic) including about Mathias’ parents for a brief bit and how they haven’t even called to say well done on the case – something Mathias seems to not care about as to which I am uncertain, but I don’t press it. We’ve had a rough day and I don’t think he really wants to discuss his rocky relationship with them.

Then we get to the discussion about jobs, which obviously includes my recent unemployment. “So, Lukas, do you have any plans? Applied anywhere yet?”

I sigh, fiddling with the hem of my shirt, “I haven’t applied anywhere yet, but it’s on this week’s agenda. Mathias and I were actually discussing this earlier and I’m going to get a job somewhere whilst we plan out opening my own bakery. There’s a lot to be done and it’ll take a while but I’m really excited to start the work for it.”

My fiancé glances over at his aunt, “You know that bakery you recommended to me, Aunt Sofia? The one that turned out to be the front for the organisation? Well, Lukas actually was in charge of the baking for it, so we know that opening a bakery is definitely a possibility.” We lock eyes and he shoots me a big grin. God I just want to kiss him, he’s so cute.

His aunt stops playing with her loose hair and looks up at us, “Really? I started the company I worked at myself so if you need any pointers let me know! I’m also always looking to invest in something so if you get together a pitch and a plan, then I’ll hear you out and you never know, I might invest in this bakery idea. Think of this as a welcome to the Køhler family gift,” She then adds, “Though I’d still hear it out even if you weren’t engaged to my nephew.”

Oh-

Oh wow.

I know there’s a high chance that, after I’ve gotten my ideas together and pitch it, she’ll say no. But it’s a start. A small ignition of hope and determination has begun in my chest. My own bakery. With my own dishes and I get to be right in the mix of it – not just on the sidelines this time. It’s a dream, a quite impossible dream, but I’m going to work towards it, just like I’m going to work towards recovery along with Mathias.

So what if the beginning of this evening was terrible? It’s led towards some great things, including Mathias and I understanding more about the other’s true feelings. Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to start working your way back up again.

A lot changed after that.

The next week we had our first actual therapy appointment. Yes, there was tears (from the both of us) during the session and the one after that and the one after that – actually, most of the sessions end up with either one of us crying, though the chance of both of us crying has thoroughly decreased. It’s hard and we knew it would never be easy but slowly, slowly, and steadily the bad dreams about everything that has happened are decreasing. It’s not often one of us wakes up screaming anymore.

Along with that, Emil actually signed up for some therapy himself so we’re all working on the massive mental craters my parents have left in their wake, working towards recovery, together.

And the bakery plan? Well, I organise what drinks we would have, what I would bake, perfected some old recipes, and came up with new ones with Mathias as my official ‘taste tester’. Aside from the job I had I pretty much spent all my time baking, meaning Mathias had a lot to taste test so it was no surprise when he gained a bit of weight – he tells me he doesn’t mind, and I know for a fact that he telling the truth. He also didn’t shave the facial hair, and it grew and grew, becoming an actual proper beard. I still love it.

So after all that taste testing and planning, I was ready to pitch my idea to his aunt (who’s sort of become a slight parental figure for the both of us). And you know what? She said yes and I got an investor! We’re slowly working on the bakery and she stops by often to help with the planning. The dream is slowly becoming a reality and I couldn’t be happier.

My husband tells me that it’s going to be the best bakery in the city, and I hope he’s right. All I can do is wait until that eventual red ribbon is cut, and then we’ll see.

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of the three Best Bakery oneshots I have planned. Whilst writing this I realised how much I missed these dorks. Hope you enjoy this addition to the Best Bakery universe it was really nice to write this and idk so satisfying(?) to watch the two try work towards recovery together. 
> 
> So yeah, hope you enjoyed and hopefully I'll have more Best Bakery content soon! :)


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